On Grief and Loss

When a loved one dies, our reactions are immediate

Some react with cries, wails, sobs, or

Shocked silence in which all reactions then become internal.

Others are angry

Angry with the deceased, the disease, the doctors

Angry at themselves

Angry at the situation, circumstances, the unfairness they perceive.

Some deny the facts in front of them.

Grief is a deeply personal process

Each person experiences it differently.

The commonly accepted Stages happen for each individual in their own time,

On their own terms.

Offer kindness, support, comfort, and love to the grief stricken. 

Your advice is not necessary.

Encourage them to talk

Listen actively

Reserve all judgments, criticisms, and destructive remarks.

Rather empathetically share your own experiences with grief

And help the suffering lay a plan for their personal process.

Realize there is no set period of time for grief

No deadline by which we reach it's end.

Walk with them hand-in-hand through anger, denial, depression, and bargaining.

Love through all.

Tend the wound.

Celebrate their acceptance whenever it comes.

Accept that, while scars heal, the marks they leave cannot be lost.

Resurrection

The recent tragedies in my family have created a wall

Erected internally from the depths of feelings

 direct descendants of their ancient predecessors,

 originally constructed to protect me from the agony of betrayal: 

those who betrayed me

those I have betrayed

These walls protect me for a time against the perceived threat.

When the threat no longer threatens, 

And there is only me

Like the ever forward movement of t i m e

My walls succumb to the force of Nature.

Some would say these walls are unnecessary

They do more harm than good. 

I disagree. 

The only harm comes when the walls cannot be breached -

The betrayals; the tragedies are real enough.

My soul can only take so much.

The tragedies; the betrayals are real enough.

For all of us...old souls and kindred spirits.

As the walls of my citadel crumble 

Inevitably

by the elements of Nature

I do not merely emerge "like a butterfly,"

In fact, I

Struggle to disentangle my newly formed body

Explore my new shape and abilities

Push through the crumbling walls that encased me

With my new found strength.

I do not immediately begin to rebuild.

I wait. I observe.

Observe using all my available faculties.

Observe. Wait.

Open my eyes; set off on a new course,

One that befits the change in my psyche -

My new life path.

The walls stay with me metaphysically.

A blueprint for my future travails.

My mind knows there will be future tragedies;

Future betrayals.

I will be prepared for the inevitable.

I will do all I can.

I will enter my sanctuary confident that I will rise again-

As the butterflies do.

As the phoenix does.

As Jesus did.

As Buddha,

As Ghandi.

All good things come to an end

So do their counterparts.

This knowledge, this faith, is strangely comforting.

I will one day emerge

Stripped of betrayals and tragedies

Stripped of metaphysical walls

And I will flow confidently

Into eternity.

Black-and-white

There is always something new to do

There is always something new to learn,

To be, to say, to have.

Only always never happens

And never always wins

Because I am complacent

Because I am comfortable,

Tired, stressed;

There's always some excuse:

I never get what I want.

I'm not who I always wanted to be.

 

I'll never get there. I'll always be stuck here.

There is no such thing as always 

Nor is there a never -

There is no such thing as black and white,

And, yet, there often is.

Modern Women

We modern women wear our badges of honor

with all the pride and sometimes pomp of 

a Scout or 

a soldier.

Gold rings on our fingers are the symbols of 

our greatest accomplishments. 

Class rings with 

 Dates 

  gems 

   symbols

Lockets with photos of our precious babes

Daily dangling at our throats

Gently tumbling between breasts that nurse no longer

But remind us of that sweet time when they did

And of the intensity of the love, pleasure, and pain

That only a breastfeeding mother can know

Regardless of how long that time lasted,

Whether five weeks, five months, or five years.

Wedding rings that we often think can symbolize 

what we hope to or in fact have accomplished:

The stronger, more expensive the band, 

the stronger the marriage

The higher quality the diamond,

The higher the quality our relationship

The cut of the diamond; an expression of 

individuality, 

character, and 

temperament.

Signature pieces of jewelry that note our 

independence from social norms

Whether these are bracelets, bags, photos, electronics, 

Pedicures, manicures, hairstyles, colors,

Clothes,

Shoes!

We have another badge, too.

Our names speak volumes to you.

We honor our mothers, fathers, husbands, children, families

We change our names

We hyphenate

We incorporate

We relinquish

We punctuate with letters

Meaning we are 

 Learned

  Professional

   Experienced

    Proud.

What's in a name?.....An identity.

We have paper badges, too:

Degrees,

 Certificates,

  Resumes,

   Records,

    Licenses,

     Documents,

      Decrees...

       Manifestos.

We have fabric badges, too.

Our scarves we drape around our necks

Regardless of the weather

Our scarves we tie with fumbling grace 

Covering our hair, 

Covering our faces, 

entwined with the tendrils of our hair you like so much to

Run your fingers through or

Grab and pull

When you take your pleasure.

We are modern women.

We are more than 53%.

Metamorphosis. Evolution. A new normal.

I have found a place

Inside

Where 

I can be slow

I can be

Me

The essence of me

Uninhibited

And carry this over to

My waking life.

To marry the voices in my mind

Mother to daughter. Plus me. Equals. Dawn.

Marry the woman I hold dear.

In answer to the question: Where is she?

She is me. We are one. We do not merely coexist. We have survived.

We have heard your advice. We accept your counsel. We analyze, incorporate

We become

Envy does not have to become hate. 

Embrace your envy. 

Create your success.

Rephrase the question, "Will I ever be...."

To "This is how I will be."

Know what it is you wish to be

Realize wishing is not an action. It is just a verb.

Accept that sacrifices will be made. Only those you are able to give

Unless your loved ones love you enough to give as well.

You are never alone. 

Their voices and your mind created you.

Do what must be done

Or choose a different fate.