The Beginning of the End is the Beginning

This week has been cathartic, stressful, depressing, exciting, and overwhelming. On one hand, I'm wishing this pregnancy could end and the recovery and baby-loving could begin. On the other hand, I just want to enjoy my last days/weeks with my first born daughter as much as possible.

Enter my frustration with being limited physically with what I can and cannot do (rather, what I should and should not do), which leads to the vicious and useless back talk in my head about whether or not I'm a good mom, what was I thinking getting myself into this, what's going to happen to my sweet Maya once Lila gets here. Will they love each other or be jealous or....

I was so grateful that Maya got to enjoy this Christmas with just the three of us and that I wasn't in a hospital room instead of with her. I realize this is a first world problem, and I should just be grateful we're all healthy, baby girl(s) are okay, daddy's home with us, etc. I am grateful, and I'm also feeling many other things.

I feel insanely uncomfortable, physically exhausted, frequently sleepy. I feel sad when I realize my baby is never going to be a baby again. Now she'll be a big sister, and someday she'll grow up and not need me as much as she does. And that that's okay because it is the goal of parenting for her to become a fully functional adult. I feel sad because my second baby will always be second until she learns to put herself first.

I feel excited to meet Lila in person. I hope she looks like me. I can already tell she's incredibly physically strong. I'm looking forward to the challenge of breast feeding and using all I've learned from raising Maya to hopefully raise Lila well, too.

I'm excited and also a little nervous about trying to fit in normal clothes again. I look forward to having adult beverages again and actually having a semi-functional grown up life again.

The End is Nigh

36 weeks pregnant

I can see the inside of my belly button
(It's always been an innie).
I have stretched my stretchy pants so far
The inseams are ripping.
I can no longer wear them in public.

I sleep 9 hours with only a few interruptions.
Within two hours of waking, I need a nap.
My dreams are so real. I can still recall them with details
At nine o'clock the next evening.

In my dreams, I do all the things I shouldn't do in my daily life:
I eat, I gamble, I drink
Vodka, rum, cucumber mojitos
Yum.
I drive like a race car driver. I give people the bird.
I laugh like a maniac as I scream out curse words.

When I wake up, there they all are -
My child, my fetus, and their father
Two furry children
A mountain of dirty dishes and clothes
A calendar that reminds me of all my To Do's
And apps that bring me the news.

My hips give a little shake, though, trust me, I'm not dancing.
My bladder announces her immediate needs for all the household to hear.
My back asks why I didn't sleep more comfortably.

Life goes on around me as it always does -
Whether someone lives or dies
A mind or body in misery
Or filled with insane joy -
Life remains indifferent.

Is it any wonder I can't wait to go back to sleep?

---

I am counting down:
4 more weeks, then
3 more months, then,
I can be me again....
Possibly,
Maybe.