Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Maya, Age 4














She adorns my wrist with neon plastic beads,
Wraps me in the scarves of her arms,
Dangles clip-on earrings before my eyes,
As if they were made of precious metal.

She writes a novel every day
Composed of the alphabet, numbers,
X’s and O’s,
Her name, my name, and the words
“I LOVE YOU.”

She serenades me with her high-pitched
Squeals, laughter, and “whistles” –
She spits in my direction when she’s angry,
Stamps her feet, and slaps her sides.

She curls up in my lap and demands tickles,
Buries her head in my chest when she cries,
Wipes her snot on my shirt if her nose
Decides to run.

She will not ride her tricycle; she’d rather
Drag it down the street, huffing and puffing.
She will not put on socks but doesn't need my help
Putting her shoes on the wrong feet.

She uses grown-up language to say she is
Fus-ter-ated
And baby language to indicate which foods
She absolutely will NOT try.

She composes portraits of herself with
Fields of flowers, sunshine, and grass using
Crayons, watercolors, pencils, pens, and
Anything that leaves a mark.

She is my daughter
My one and only, and
As soon as I grow accustomed to her
Preferences, ideas, vocabulary, and habits,
She grows, changes, and evolves.

So I will preserve her in my memory,
In pictures, and in words.
I will be the Museum of Maya
To remind her of how far she’s come and
How far she has left to go.

Friday, July 12, 2013

The Many Faces of Eve, or I Quit.

I have mentioned before the warring factions in my head. You may remember that I said they choose opinions at the exact opposite point of the spectrum from one another solely for the purpose of driving me mad.

And, there you have it. The quitting. The juxtaposition of truly living life and remaining indifferent to it. Insulating myself against its pains and disappointments.

When I was working - both before and after motherhood - I fantasized a number of different ways to escape my life. I dreamt of taking a sabbatical from work and checking myself into one of those facilities where your every movement is watched. Where you wake at a certain time, make your bed a certain way, share a bathroom with ten other women, attend meetings, outings, and support group counseling sessions with said women. Where you are told when you can eat, sleep, watch TV, make a phone call, have a visitor.

Sometimes, I feel so completely cut loose from myself that I crave the structure other people - professionals - can provide. Maybe it's the Girl Scout in me. Maybe the recovering drug addict.


One time, I did it, but mostly, it was just a fantasy. To take a step back and quit being crazy.

On the other side of this coin is the desire for mania. I wonder if others can comprehend that need; what it is to be driven to create madness out of nothing but thin, imagined things. To drive miles at night in familiar territory while your brain is on autopilot only to wake and realize you might have died. You might have done terrible things. And no one was with you, so how would you know?

You would not. You also would not know how to quit.

At least at first.

Here is a poem I wrote about it -

I quit.
Simple words that form a simple sentence. [Fragment.]
The sentiment is not simple. It is complex.
It’s complicated.
An overused, disabused articulation. [Fragment.]
Problematic in that, when I choose to use it
Appropriately
I am misunderstood by the majority.
And the minority is oh-so-quiet
These days.
Until they’re not.
Let’s go back to the original thought that provoked such a statement as:
I quit.
I quit my job. [Positive.]
I quit drinking. [Positive?]
I quit caring. [Negative.]
I did not quit caring. [Positive.]
I am walking a tight rope of caring and not-caring
I am in no fit condition to do so
My balance is off due to the ever increasing girth of
My middle.
My hormones are playing tricks on an already
Tricky mind.
Insomnia is not responding to my defiance.
Her scorn is bitter tannins after I imbibe.
I quit trying to defy
That which is not susceptible to insolence
And so,
I write.

Sane

2009
2010
2011
2012
Not Sane
  
2009

2010
2011
2012

2012


Undetermined....

1997?
1997?
1999?