"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." - Semisonic - Closing Time Lyrics | MetroLyrics
If you've known me long, you know I went through and through the twelve steps. If you've never done them or are not familiar with them, the 12 Steps were initially created as part of Alcoholics Anonymous and have been used by support groups worldwide to overcome a wide variety of addictions like gambling, sex, and narcotics, in addition to alcohol.
Everything I needed to know, I learned in 12 Step recovery.
1. I am powerless over my disease (Bipolar Disorder II).
2. I believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
3. I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of god as I understand her.
4. I have made (numerous attempts at) a fearless and searching moral inventory of myself.
5. I have admitted to myself, to god, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.
6. I am entirely ready for god to remove all these defects of character.
7. I humbly ask her every day to remove my shortcomings.
8. I have a list of all the people I have harmed and am willing to make amends to them.
9. I have made direct amends to these people except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. I continue to take personal inventory, and, when I am wrong, I promptly admit it.
11. I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand her praying only for the knowledge of her will for me and the power to carry it out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I try to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all my affairs.
I'm not sure where I'm headed from here, but I once again stand on the precipice of a new beginning. Maya's birth was my rebirth. I'm starting to realize that I may be more like a phoenix who rises from ashes than a cat who always lands on her feet.
I can sense that the beginning that started with Maya is coming to its conclusion. The end of what's become "daily life." My faith is being put to the test. My faith in myself, in our family, in god as I understand her.
Lila will give us all a new beginning.
Today, I'm starting to look forward to that and trying to let go of my fear and trepidation.
Yes dear child, you are bipolar like your grandmother Jean was. Your mother has suffered depression also, but never to the point of being suicidal.
ReplyDeleteI believe the key is step 3. If you really believe that, you will recognize the futility and at the same time the necessity of making plans for the future. I could never in my wildest dreams have envisioned my life as it is today. We make plans not to map out the future as much as to appreciate the gifts we are given when they exceed or appear less than our expectations. I pray to God every day for the humility to accept his/her will for my life. So many times I want to rail at God because I did not get what I wanted. Later I thank God that he/she gave me something so much better.
I listen to a lot of Christian music because it tells me so much about how to be humble and accept God's will. My favorite verse is this: "I am so thankful that I am incapable of doing any good on my own". Any good that I do is not because I am so great, but rather because of God who is working through me.
I don't know if that helps. But know that we love you deeply.
Dad
My dear daughter whom I cherish so very much, we as human beings are so very critical of ourselves and find it hard to see our own worth. I know this because I too have been depressed. It has taken me years to realize that I am a worthy person who has many gifts that the Lord gave me and I have tried to share them with those around me that I know. Most of all, I have tried to instill in those I love the most that love is most important and life is to be valued and enjoyed to the full extend each and every day. There will be cloudy days but the clouds come and go in one's life and we have to work and be strong to see the good that the clouds bring. Sometimes I am not sure if I make sense, but I know that my life would not have been if there was not God in my life. He gave me 3 wonderful children and a husband who loves me with all my faults and I am grateful. You are one of those children and look at what you have done-given me a beautiful grandchild and one on the way! You are so very gifted as a young woman, wife and mother. See your own beauty and believe in yourself. Only you can do that for yourself! I had to come to understand that about myself and it took me awhile. Love yourself and help yourself by any means you feel you need be it medication the doctor prescribes, meditation, writing and talking. Get help from those who love you and let them help you. Isolation is not good for anyone. I love you and believe in you as I KNOW you are a beautiful, young woman whom I had the gift from the Lord of birthing. Loving you always, Mom
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