The Appearance of Grief

Fire all consuming
With an emptiness inside -
The world is upside down
Until the sinews of my life
Break like threads in
 A rusty needle.

I am the one inside the
Proverbial haystack -
No one is looking for me.
They are all lost in their own
Piles of straw.

These waves of change
Flood the plain of our existence
Making it hard to breathe
Consuming all the oxygen
Until there is only
The tightness in my chest
The bowling ball in my belly.

I can bang against my chest
But no amount of violence
Will bring back what has been

Taken?
Lost?
Voluntarily returned
From whence she came.

I shuffle off the chaff that
Threatens to drown me
Emerge into the field of my bovine brethren
Squint against the glare of the fire in the sky.

This is my reality -
New
Bizarre
And, oddly, beautiful.

A Mother's Memories to Her Child: LIfe Back Then

"The child grew and became strong in spirit." Luke 1:80

Joyce

An ice cream cone cost
Very little; Dad paid so not sure - maybe 10 cents

My favorite ice cream flavor
Strawberry

Our family car(s)
Ford wagon
Impala
Can't really remember as I wasn't into cars.
John had a '65 Chevy

The fashions of the day included
Bobby socks; mini skirts; high heel shoes; backless or peek-a-boo tops and cropped pants called pedal pushers.

My favorite thing to wear
Pajamas as they were so very comfortable. For day times I liked my shorts; only allowed to wear dresses to school.

The popular things to do
I don't really know about popular as I didn't do that! I was more to myself and always "out of style." It didn't mean anything to me.
I liked to watch TV (we had only 1) and dance or be with my best friends. 
I also read a great deal.
I would go to the library.
I liked going to the beach and listening to the waves.

Dawn

An ice cream cone cost
A dollar or two I guess. I wasn't paying :) My mom would take us to get frozen yogurt as a treat sometimes. I would always be the last one eating. The cold hurt my teeth, but it sure tasted yummy.

My favorite ice cream flavor
Chocolate chip cookie dough or Oreo

Our family car(s)
My dad had a green Oldsmobile when I was little. Then we had a station wagon and, later, a big van that we would travel to and from Florida in. My first car I shared with my mom. It was a red Ford Probe. My brother had a 1979 Mustang, then a 1989 Mustang. When he got married, he was driving a 1999 Mustang.

The fashions of the day included
When I was little, kids were wearing Guess jeans. We couldn't afford them, so I never did. We had slap bracelets and Hammer pants. 

In the grunge days, black nail polish and flannel shirts with jeans.

When I hit high school, I switched to wearing clothes from the 50's, 60's, and 70's, so I really am not sure what everyone else was wearing. I loved wearing old fashions. My friends' moms would see me and say, "I used to have a dress like that." I wore my mom's old platform shoes, bell bottoms. I wore Metallica shirts with these hideous brown bell bottoms from the thrift store, Cure shirts with ankle length black and gold patterned skirts, Red Hot Chili Peppers shirts with maroon velvet bells. The more outlandish the pattern, the better. My favorite dresses were a green Chinese silk dress, a pink empire waist cocktail dress, and a mauve peasant dress with cream lace details on the bodice and sleeves.

In my late teens, early twenties, I wore some raver clothes. I had this amazing plastic, green glitter heart ring that I lost in the Mediterranean Sea when I visited France. I loved shopping for little boys' shirts at the thrift store.

My favorite thing to wear
My band t-shirts 

The popular things to do
I have no idea what other kids did. I think they went to the mall a lot before they got cars. I hated the mall. I went to movies and the skating rink when I was a pre-teen. As a teenager, we mostly hung out at each other's houses. Sometimes, we'd sneak out and go to parties where older kids were getting drunk and doing drugs. One time, we took a hike through a "forest" in the middle of the night with two guys who were wasted. With my girlfriends, we'd stay up all night getting "wedged" which meant not sleeping and getting crazy. We toilet papered people's houses, mostly boys we liked. We took midnight drives to Galveston just to watch the sun rise over the Gulf.

A Letter to My Friends

Dear friends,

Recently, I have suffered a devastating loss. I am grieving, and I will probably need months and even years to recover from my mother's passing.

I wanted to let you know that I will cry from time to time. I don't apologize for my tears since they are not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith. My tears are a gift for me to express the extent of my loss.

At times, I may be angry, irritable, or withdrawn for no apparent reason. Sometimes I'm not sure why I feel the way I do. All I know is that my emotions are intense because of my grief. If I don't always make sense to you, please be forgiving and patient with me.

More than anything, I need your understanding and your presence. You don't always have to respond. Your presence and a touch or hug lets me know you care. Please don't wait for me to call you since sometimes I am too emotional to do so. I need you to reach out to me.

If you have experienced a similar type of loss, please feel free to share it with me. It will help rather than cause me to feel worse. And don't stop sharing if I begin to cry. It's all right, and any tears you express as we talk are all right, too.

This loss is so painful, and right now it feels like the worst thing that ever could happen to me. But I will survive. I cling to that knowledge even though I have times when I don't believe it. I know that I will not always feel as I do now.

Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening. Your concern comforts me and is a gift for which I am thankful.

Sincerely,

Dawn

Adapted from a letter from Hospice Austin.

I just love you

I attended a paint party at BlackFinn last Monday hosted by my friend Christiane Michaelis. She recently started her own business called the Dirty Easel. I took the opportunity to create a piece of art that would honor my relationship with my mother. The color scheme is half her favorites and half my own. Both the paint and the words are free flowing. I'm honestly not sure I even like it, but it came from my heart.

I've typed the poem below because it can be difficult to see since there are so many layers on the canvas itself.

This is my letter
for me and mama.

Maman; (Mommy)
la mère; (mother)
la reine. (queen)

I just love you
Time cannot erase the love I feel for you.
In spite of every selfish stupid thing I ever did
You alone are the largest part of me
The piece of me I cannot ignore

We are

This is not the end, mama.
I love you.

La mère se meure. (Mother is dying)

Vive la reine. (Long live the queen)

A Mother's Memories to Her Child: A Typical Day Growing Up

Joyce

Growing up, I usually spent my days
Helping out after I came home from my school. I loved school a lot. I was social there and made good grades. I had several best friends. Still have three to this day: Geri, Linda, and Barbara.

My chores included
Dishes
Cooking
Keeping my room clean
Watching siblings

On winter days, I would
Read books a lot.
Visit girlfriends and dance, play jacks, or talk and make up stories.

On bright summer days, I liked to
Be outside
Go to the beach
Jump rope
Sit in the shade
Visit with friends

During the day, my mother
Worked odd jobs and part time jobs a lot when she wasn't at a lull and "just a housewife."

During the day, my father
Slept until noonish as he worked nite hours and needed rest. When he was up, he would spend time with us kids and do his chores.

Dawn

Growing up, I usually spent my days
Playing in my room or, later, hiding out in my room.

Going to school, which I did not like. Don't get me wrong, I loved learning, especially English and reading, but a lot of the other kids did not like me. I had a few friends, but I spent most of my time alone. Some of my friends thought I was a little weird because I had ideas. For example, I once asked my friend if she ever wanted to be a boy. She looked at me funny. I just thought I would be happier if I were a boy because I'd be able to do more things and would be stronger. Because I preferred to draw and write on the playground instead of play, other kids made fun of me. I was a little nerdy and very shy.

My chores included
Doing the dishes
Dusting the furniture
Washing, drying, and folding the laundry
Vacuuming
Cleaning my room

On winter days, I would
Read books
Play board games with my sister
Draw and do arts and crafts
Write stories

On bright summer days, I liked to
Read books
Play in the sprinkler or the neighbor's pool
Play outside with the neighborhood kids

During the day, my mother
Took care of us kids when my sister and I were little. We did arts and crafts together, but mostly my sister and I played in our room. When we fought, mom had us kneel in opposite corners of the hallway until we apologized to each other.

Then, she started teaching special education at a local middle school. My mom worked with emotionally disabled kids during the school year and physically disabled during the summer.

During the day, my father
Worked in Quality Control at an international power and automation technology firm. He is an electrical engineer.

Behave

My head

a lightning rod that

signals impending rain

days before it 

back-lights the clouds. 

Without lightning,

there is only static,

a silence that thrums the

synapses of my brain.

If thoughts have mass,

then I weigh a ton, and

I am counting the pounds

as they collect -

under my chin

around my middle

between my legs; finally,

stacking themselves above my feet

pressing me further to the ground so that

every step becomes

a burden. 

I am immovable

Unmoved by the

daily data that drives us,

forces us to the cliff of extinction, and says,

"You, there! 

You behave, 

or else."

When I see the outline of clouds

in the flickering of the sky;

When I feel the lightning 

behind my eyes,

I wonder,

'Who will die 

if I misbehave?'

A Mother's Memories to Her Child

In 2004, I gave my parents each a journal with prompts to fill out that would tell me about their lives. I started sharing my own responses to the same questions a couple years back, but I haven't kept up with it. I left off with my siblings last time.

I've decided to change my technique a bit, so I'll include my mom's responses as well as my own. Enjoy....

Joyce
My Hometown

As a child, I lived in
St. Petersburg, Florida

Mom's house on 39th Ave. No. The one in the middle, not the pink one.

Our street was
Patton Ave. No. then 39th Ave. No.

My favorite place in the neighborhood was
My home at 39th Ave. I grew up there. I was 21 when we moved. I loved the screen room on a rainy day. I was very happy there.

My favorite community event
Church festivals and school activities. We pretty much stayed to ourselves. Mom and dad had a few close friends but mostly it was family activities. Vicki and Gilda Lopa (friends)

Games my friends and I played
Hopscotch; hide and seek; jump rope; jacks and we loved to dance a lot. We listened to the Beatles and Elvis. We made up stories and plays.

Someone from my hometown whom I admire
Father Mulligan
Aunt Rose and Aunt Arna
And of course my parents Ezell and Eddie Colson

My Childhood Home
When I was growing up, our home was
Full of love; crowded as we had foster teens. We had up to 8 teens at one time in the house!! Busy with chores; did our schoolwork and played a lot. There was no air conditioning and only one bathroom.

My favorite place in our home
My room and the screened-in back porch. I loved when it rained and you could hear the sound on the aluminum roof. Always cool there. 

When I wanted to be alone
I would go to my room or walk around the neighborhood or go to the backyard under the tree. Sometimes go to the bathroom but not for long due to usage.

My favorite hiding place
Never really hid. I would just withdraw verbally and be quiet. My reading books was an escape. I liked silence.

My favorite place to play
Back porch or the yard. We were outside a lot. Played jacks a lot.

At home I could always
Be myself. I was relaxed but strong and bossy at times; like when I had to watch my little brothers or other kids.


Dawn
My Hometown

As a child, I lived in
Houston, Texas. More specifically, Alief, Texas.

My house on LaGranada

Our street was
La Granada

My favorite place in the neighborhood was
The park at the neighborhood pool and tennis court.
The playground at the elementary school. 

My favorite community event
Fall festivals at the churches we attended. First was Notre Dame where I won one of those totally 80s fuzzy piggy banks. Mine was a squirrel. Jean won a bunny. Another time, I won a jug of wine - ha ha! Then was St. Justin Martyr where they sell Filipino food, fried bananas, used books, and smoked meats.

Games my friends and I played
Cowboys and Indians. We played with almost all the neighbor kids. Our porch was huge,so it was the jail.
Dress up. One time, Jean, my friend, and I put on her mom's bras and filled them with socks, then proceeded to parade around with our "boobies."
Red Rover.
Marco Polo in the pool.
Truth or Dare. I was once dared to eat the leaf of a plant that everyone thought looked gross. I did.

Someone from my hometown whom I admire 
Sharon Thomas, my adopted aunt, who taught with my mother for many, many years and continues to inspire me to teach with my heart and a good sense of humor. She is also one of the best storytellers I have ever known.

My Childhood Home
When I was growing up, our home was
Divided. Mom and the girls on one side; dad and brother on the other. Mom was very loving and enjoyable when she was in a good mood. We did crafts, danced in the living room, and played cards. When she was stressed or in a bad mood, or when she had a terrible migraine, she was not much fun to be around. Dad was busy with work a lot, did a lot of Boy Scouts stuff with my brother, and withdrew and got really quiet when mom and brother fought.

My favorite place in our home
My bedroom when I was a teen, mom's bed, the front porch, and the back of the couch in the living room that looked out onto the patio and backyard. 

When I wanted to be alone
As a teen, I closed the doors of my room. As a little kid, I think I went in the closet or bathroom to be alone since I shared the room with my sister. 

My favorite hiding place
Bathroom

My favorite place to play
Front porch and yard

At home I could always
Isolate myself from just about everything and everybody