MIND
Some days, I feel utterly in control of my thoughts, my feelings, and my life. I am perfectly capable of controlling how I react to circumstances, events, and people. Other days not so far off (i.e. last week) I felt unable to control those same reactions.
Some days I feel so organized. I make lists, check things off as they get done, make compromises for things I cannot do, make adjustments to my schedule with ease, and accept that some things must be put on hold for another day. Some things will never be done. And that's okay. I can keep track of my thoughts. My mind is not a jumble.
Those days I feel out of control, emotion takes over. Emotions become urges, impulses. Instead of being effortlessly proactive in controlling my responses, I become reactive to the impulses and do damage control. I have to exert a lot of energy trying to calm myself down so I can think rationally.
In my ideal vision for the life of my mind, the better days would be more prevalent and the not so much better days would cease to exist, but I would keep the good things about me pre-treatment only modify them to fit my current lifestyle.
The hardest part of living through those days is when I start to question why I want to have control over my emotions. Have I lost a part of myself by taking medication? Does the medication truly work if the bad days still exist? The bad days aren't as torturous and destructive as they used to be. I don't contemplate suicide. I don't think the world would be better without me. I don't want the comfort of death because I know my mission and my life has purpose.
I no longer question if my life has meaning, if humanity has a purpose, or what is the grand scheme of things. I no longer feel the need to question. The answers will be revealed. I do not participate in any religious ideology perse, but I firmly believe that a power greater than me has a plan, and questioning that plan wastes precious time I could spend just living the plan and having relevant pieces of the plan revealed when they need to be and when I am ready to know them.
When I was unmedicated - or self-medicating - there were good times between the mania and the depression. Times of lucidity that don't compare to where I am now, but were useful in their own right. I was more drawn to art, specifically the artists who suffered throughout their lives and had to cope with any number of different illnesses, diseases, or circumstances. I was more daring. Much more daring! But that's another chapter in and of itself. I think I'll call it "Confessions." Thank you, Usher.
But if you take away my ability to create these lists that keep me focused, organized, and in control which I - right or wrong - attribute to my medication, would I regress to my former mania and depression?
I am committed to only moving forward, never backward. Not again. My fear is that I have lost the good in who I was. I am starting to see her come back, slowly. I realize and accept this is my natural progression; the evolution of DAWN. I look forward. Not backward. Yet, I seek to rekindle the good from my youth and adjust it to fit my new, healthy vision for my life.
BODY
I have had so many insights through this period of not working full time achieving someone else's goals, and I have set new goals to which I will hold myself accountable and depend upon my family and friends for support. Yet another chapter. Stay tuned!
So many interesting things have come to pass since I have now had four months of self re-discovery. I am more mindful of my body's inner workings. I drink less alcohol because of the way it makes my body and mind feel. I never paid attention before. I only paid attention to the fallout the day after a binge in which I would feel tremendous guilt, self-loathing, and I would make promises to myself that I rarely kept.
Sleep has been a key component to the improvement in my psyche which has led to a healthier appreciation and respect for my body. After countless months of insomnia, my doctor prescribed Ambien, which slows my thoughts to a point I can focus on one important thing at a time. It has allowed me to get organized, focused, and honest. I used to think I was an honest person. I have since learned that I was an ostrich; an escapist.
The regimen of recovery prescribed by my chiropractic doctor has taught me to slow down physically and accomplish each task at hand and to be mindful of when I need to rest or treat my body more gently because everything can break if you put too much pressure on it.
My self-image is undergoing its own, related evolution. This facet of me is still in progress and will be elaborated in a future chapter.
I share this with you whether you suffer from a disease of the mind, whatever state you are in, and to our families. I hope to shed some light on the turmoil we can cause and promote empathy for all individuals involved.
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, priest, yoga instructor, or a lawyer. My experiences are my own. Consult your own medical or spiritual guide to find a solution that will benefit your life.
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