Turning Points

The past decade of my life has shifted my psyche until my former self would be almost unrecognizable to my present self. Yet, they are both me, and I carry them with me every moment of every day. 

The current decade began in the summer of 2003: June 1 to be exact. 

At my 25th birthday party, I hung out with my girlfriends, colleagues, like-minded souls, and sisters. We smoked cigarettes on the stairs outside my apartment. We drank cocktails poolside watching a fire dancer twist tongues of fire around her wrists, the golds and reds reflected in the midnight water.

That was the summer I met James Michael Sadek, and nothing has ever been the same since then. One person cannot cause another to change so dramatically as I have in the past 10 years, but our relationship - and all that has sprung from it - has altered me to the core. 

I often wonder.... While I am confident in the many improvements in my spiritual life, my moral life, my rational life, I wonder if I can truly attribute the positive changes to my marital relationship or to my own actions. 

The fact is, he grounds me when nothing else can. At least, he did for a time. He occasionally still does. He gives me a somewhat more rational perspective on topics I might otherwise get lost in. 

When I met him, I had chosen my rabbit hole, and I dove right in. I had no interest in clawing my way out. 

In fact, I was hungover on our first date. I spilled Vietnamese coffee all over myself my hands were shaking so much. He had to take me to my apartment and let me sleep it off so we would be able to make it to the student film premiere we had planned to attend. 

I handed him a book of my poetry and the TV remote before I shuffled off to bed.

What an odd way to begin a relationship.

Fast forward to June 1, 2013 - I ended this most recent decade newly pregnant, surrounded by other kind mamas, eating cake balls in a classy restaurant. 

In the interim, my birthdays have run the gamut from swanky 30th birthday shindig on Lake Travis, to tramped up dancing at the Aquarium club in downtown Austin, to a private family party of three at Port Aransas. 

Since childhood, my birthdays are typically spent by bodies of water: Pools, oceans, lakes. In dreams, water represents emotions, and the state of the water is the state of those emotions. The birthday party when James and I were engaged was the last spent by a pool with placid waters. Oddly, it wasn't the most placid of times, but I wasn't dreaming, now was I?

My question is this: I have changed in 10 years more than I thought possible. I have become more confident, more aware, and more loving, understanding and respectful. 

Where do I go from here? 

I expect Maya and Lila will be the ones to show me how to find those answers. 

Will my husband continue the journey with me? Will our relationship stand the test of growing and raising our family together? 

I suspect the guy who used to clean up my drunken vomit from the side of the bed, who called the paramedics when I suffered massive dehydration from food poisoning and was terrified of losing me, who supported me in his own unique way when I suffered through postpartum depression, and who sacrifices his time - much less his favorite gadgets - to provide for our comfort, will come through for us.