My Greatest Fear

What does it mean to be bipolar?

 You look so normal.

 I never would have known.

 To be bipolar is to be in constant battle
Torn between two foes
Who rage a war and
Never lift a finger.
No one wins.
No one gains the upper hand.

 The enemy is not Someone or Something.
It is invisible.
It touches everything you see,
Taints all your memories,
Actions,
Interactions.

 Everything you think you know is
Called into question, thus
You question everything.

 To endlessly question.
Incapable of making a satisfactory decision.
 You are not so much caught in the middle as
Broken
 With bits and pieces of yourself on either side
Of the trenches.

 A tactical error merely means
 One or the other faction is more
Convincing At any given time.
Your mind will change and
Change again, and
You are powerless to stop it.

 The war is never over.
It only changes forms.
Weapons evolve, and
When you reach out to grasp hold
Of something solid and permanent
It either dissolves between your fingers or
Explodes and tears them off.

 At times you keep going and
Others, you sit still.

Either way, you are not moving.

You are utterly alone with all your questions.
 To look back at the years of your life,
It all seems a dream
Someone else's life.

 Bipolar is a break inside you
A crevasse you cannot fill
With earth, air, water, or fire.
Nobody else can see it.
 It's as if it did not exist.
Only the tragedy you leave behind;
The devastation of your life.

 It's an inconstant feeling of remorse,
Embarrassment,
Apologies,
Making every, "I'll never do that again" a lie.

Only you never believe it
Even when you want to.
 No one sees it till it blindsides them, so
They wash their hands and leave.

Only you can't leave
Because bipolar is you, and
You are bipolar.

You are broken
Whether or not you want to be.
Others have a choice whether or not
To allow your disease to break them.
 You do not have that luxury.

Then someone comes along and loves you, and
Someone else with a degree knows you better
Than you know yourself.
Together you make a tactical decision
To stop fighting and
Build a truce
To wave the white flag and
Take the white pills.
A few blue ones, too.
Pills that bridge the gap, and
You can finally stand up and
 Feel a little less embarrassed.
A little less apologetic.

My greatest fear is that the little
Nuggets of modern medicine
Will one day be denied to me,
My bridge will collapse, and
I will find that, in all that time,
The rift grew deeper, and
It will swallow me
Along with everyone I love.